Edcel.net - mind games

Just yesterday, a colleague asked me a question I couldn’t answer these days.

“What are my priorities in life?”

She asked me that because of certain areas in life where one needs to focus and sort out our “things to do”. Like her, she’s a constant traveler, going to places with travel internet marketing chances I wish I could go to some day; in due time. However, the issue is the act of traveling is sometimes associated with escaping. Escaping work, escaping life; which sometimes make me ponder what I really want.

I was dumbfounded at times because here I am, pretending to have a certain goal in life to alleviate my family from the shithole that we put ourselves into. Showing to people that I am determined to finish my studies and excel in the field that I put myself into. I portray this image of a character of a happy-go-lucky person as if I don’t have the slightest problem (or if I do, I don’t really show it). All seems perfect, until they get to know me better.

It’s hard to explain things on why I became to be me. Of course, it is determined by several factors: principles, education, foundation, influences, growth, values. All of which are distinguished only by different adversities that go along our way. They make us stronger or weaker depending on how we handle them. And sad to say, I am WEAK.

So what are my priorities again?

See? I can’t even answer the question because I tend to come up with a supposed answer when in reality, I’m just going in circles until I can provide a feasible explanation. Cause in truth I’m lost; so lost and far away that I can’t even reach myself. I’ve become a victim of my own sanity. Sigh, I’ve never been this disoriented.

I need my diversion, something to keep me busy.
So I may not have to think about life, so I may not have to think at all.

So here I am, doing Overtime work just because I don’t have anything better to do on a weekend. Well, this is actually good since I didn’t have enough plans to go out of town, I’ll be going somewhere next weekend though. Right now, I’m just increasing the salary that goes to the bank down to my pocket till I just poop it all and flush it down the toilet.

A friend wondered why I’m doing Overtime when I should be getting a life by spending this time with a significant other. I just shut my mouth up before I could start giving a number of reasons why I chose to be indifferent. Besides, after I could give a number of justifications, they still won’t understand so I figured it’d be just a waste of saliva.

Anyway, in reality, I’m running out of excuses on why I remain single, why I don’t have a girlfriend already. I still make it as an excuse that I’m finding ways to alleviate my family’s status from the pit to the ground. Some people would find the idea too noble but maybe I was just raised that way.

The bad thing about it is I still let life present itself to me rather than me looking for something to present life. Who actually controls destiny? I’ve read a book about Jim Paredes and there was a note asking if we were created by God or are we the ones who created Him? That message struck and just blew me away that I had to stand in that bookstore for a couple of moments because I still pondered the question for some time. It was a time of my life as well that I shouldn’t be reading those types of books because the topic was and still is a sensitive one in my current condition.

Going back to the topic, I did attempt to pursue her; and at a certain point, I not only attempted. But I was met with dismay. She was the one for me, but I was rejected. When I found out that the woman of my dreams ran off with some guy with a tattoo, I felt out of place and out of reason. All the more that I didn’t make any move. Well maybe I did make a move; but the outcome didn’t look too good. I didn’t only lose a potential wife, I lost a lifetime friend; and it hurt like hell.

I still feel attached to her that’s why I can’t find other women out there. Does getting a life mean getting a partner? To me it does, cause the way people see me, that’s the only thing lacking; which maybe true in some sense. I don’t want to listen to people anymore, honestly. As I easily get swayed from different point of views when in reality, it should be my perception that matters most. And because what I see now is the monitor with my hands typing left to right, and a certain responsibility that keeps on blinking; reminding me that I still have a long way to go before I’m done for the day, I should go back to the present.

Back to work, Edcel. Get a life later.

I don’t know what’s going on with life already. We are always like this, trapped with bad credit loans. Just a month ago, I was so ecstatic knowing that after a year’s worth of wait, I finally got my payroll ATM. However, it only lasted a few days, because my father requested me again to ask for another loan so we can finance the business that we were in.

I grew upset of course, since it was early morning and that was the first news that I got from the house. I didn’t agree at first, especially since I knew my brother is also trapped in a litany of bad credit credit cards. I couldn’t explain how mad he got because he didn’t like accumulating debts when he had the capacity to pay on the due date. That’s again because of our status in life.

Right now, I’m just listening to John Mayer’s song as it keeps me going from being close to being insane. My brother downloaded some songs in order to fill up our hard drive, and since I’m more of a blogger, I let him do the music grabbing. I’m just glad that I’m able to benefit from it as well. But I’m veering from the topic already.

Going back, sometimes it makes me angry that I’m always stuck in this rut. But I know it takes a lot of guts for a father to ask for money from his son; and I know that my pop’s intentions are pure. I’m probably being selfish but I want to think about my future as well. Right now, I’m just at a loss for words already.

Why does a person have to grow up in order to find the importance of meaning? Can’t things be any simpler for us all in order to achieve a better and clearer understanding of what keeps us going? What is the purpose of existence? Do I even have one? What’s with all these questions? Am I ever going to find answers?