Edcel.net - mind games

I see where the problem lies, it’s with gaining an image; a good one at that. It’s the reason why I’m pressured to arriving at a decision. Image and perception. I wrote an entry before about setting my priorities and talking about promotions.

After discussing the matter with my supervisor and my colleagues, it went down to the bottom line that it’s not a matter of me being able to handle the job, cause I can. Sadly, it’s really more on getting my sense of worth because of accomplishing something better than a golf ball.

Just like the story of Vanilla Sky, what if all your dreams become lucid? Every perception of how you want things to be would suddenly come true because of the different points and figures that you see in life that influence you to be the best; even if you’re not.

I was able to help a friend with her report about why negative images stick to one’s mind better than those positive ones. I gave my opinion that’s it’s because of wanting to get a better life/image out of the one that went bad or at least went wrong. We want to paint a picture of a perfect life because there’s no use of fixing things that are not broken. However, it’s also because of man’s mission of seeking and living the good life. It’s also our instinct of being competitive; we want to be better than each other.

Going back, this is where the problem lies. I still see myself as someone who can do more; there’s no problem with that. The issue is because I want to please other people because I still want to be someone people can look up to. I’m more concerned on how I see myself because of how other people see me. Only, if I am not able to delivering results, I pressure myself to the brink of paranoia.

It could be possible that it’s because of youth; I’m 21 years old, still young and ambitious. That’s what a workmate commented, and I agreed. I still see the idealistic side of things. Again, it’s a matter of perception. But with that being said, we’re back to the point of discussion; and I don’t want to repeat myself again because I’m just going in circles.

I hate it when people take advantage of you just because of the way you look.

They don’t take you seriously because of the way you dress which most likely dictates where you are when it comes to the status line.

C’mmon, just because a person wears shorts and slippers to the bank doesn’t make it any different from a person who wears a shirt with a tie.

That’s the problem with us nowadays. We tend to judge according to the image we see. It has become so superficial that we have lost our proper perspective in the process. Is there such a thing called equality?

Whatever happened once to the truth according to Antoine de St. Exupery? “What’s essential is invisible to the eye.” doesn’t become believable already in our century anymore.

I read my past entries back then as I was sorting out my blog because the template crashed on me. I ask myself if I was the one who wrote those posts a few years ago. I sounded too mature for my age. I started working early and I learned a lot about the world.

All the more that I ask myself; what has changed? Or better yet, what have I accomplished? Change is inevitable; I don’t know how many times I’ve battered this statement. As a matter of fact, it has become a cliche already. But going back, what has changed? I’ve always been pressuring myself to excel or at least try to. Sometimes I wonder if this is all I can ever do. But I believe I can do more. It’s a just a matter of time; however it’s something that I don’t have a lot of.

A friend told me that life is not a race. But knowing that we’ll all have our turn, isn’t it better to get there first?

I can’t understand how it has become surreal cause in a way; I’ve actually matured in some sense. Of course, those entries were 4 years ago; I should’ve grown by now. I don’t know if I’m already ready to face new challenges and go back to be with the people I’ve been with. Since I’ve always been a constant traveler; leaving people behind, with my heart also in left in those places. But that was then. I don’t hold any longing feeling anymore, since I deem that I’ve reached that numbing stage which I had been praying for all the while.

I just find it funny how life has turned out for me. There may be regrets; no, not regrets, but missed opportunities. But hey, reality always has. You choose a certain path, you give up the other. You lose a friend, you gain another. You profess your feelings; you lose a lover (I had to make it rhyme). All is fair in life and hate; at least in its bittersweet sense.

But I don’t want to think about it in the long run; knowing that I’ve already started the year right but thinking more about myself and rewarding myself more than last year’s. It’s my life anyway. As always, I don’t have to explain but just let things be.
I have pictured myself riding a bike, off to a great country journey. I feel the cool breeze and smell the scent of trees as I pass by. I’m pedaling off to nowhere as I watch a wonderful view of the sun setting down; as if I am the air and the light warms me. Now I’ve come to realize that I really don’t know where I’m going. A life that’s laid out to me, if there really is even a pavement. How does one come to know his purpose? Does he really have to find one?

Which reminds me to ask again, if ever I achieve what I can achieve, what’s in store for me then? Every one of us is supposed to find that missing piece. However, just like how that story ended, we tend to loose the people we gain once we get it. But does it have to finish as if we’re half-empty?

Sigh, with these questions in tow, it’s better that I’d just eat utan bisaya.

You may think you know; you have no idea.

This is the problem with having a virtual identity. People try to profile you into one single category as if you’re stuck in one dimension; when in truth, you’re just sharing a fragment of who you are and what you do. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a person people expect you to be; because if by any chance, you’d ever meet them, they might get disappointed of what truly is. It’s not hard to distinguish yourself from simulation; sad to say, in this connected realm, we portray the image of what we want to be, not really much of who we are. That’s why to be part of an open-minded few that doesn’t judge what the eye can see, is rare. One can never really notice from the heart because of how the mind dictates. So for all the people out there who’ll be dismayed of the likeness that a person may portray, just don’t look forward to it.