Edcel.net - mind games

It’s never enough.

Payday has come and as I was printing my payslips, I noticed the big difference with my salary compared to what I was earning a year ago. Of course, with all the overtime work I’m rendering (yeah, I don’t have a life), I make sure that it doesn’t go below my expectations. But because of the expenses plaguing me even before I can plot them out, I tend to question my lifestyle.

Why do I pay so much?

I am not yet in school so I don’t need to spare an allowance for it even for tuition. I don’t have a family yet so I don’t need to look for milk for a kid. I don’t have a girlfriend so I don’t have to spend much on cellphone loads. Heck I don’t even go out on Friday night dates so that should leave me thinking less of what to do with the money I earn.

But then, why do I pay so much?

Of course, there are family expenses, payments for different loans I’ve applied, eat-outs and occasional taxicab fare allowances. But it seems that the type of life that I wanted but I can’t have is taking it’s toll.

I just wish I could manage my finances so that I can allocate them properly and create a budget and stick it. The thing is I don’t have any savings account and the money that I earned through other means is slowly going down the drain at times when I’m really broke.

But when is enough, enough? Man’s quest for satisfaction is unending.

While on our way to i1 to have our lunch, I saw a couple of old classmates at Da Vinci’s. I dropped by them for the occasional ‘Hi’s’. One of them blurted out that he just got accepted to the same company I’m working for. I’m glad; last year, although the idea didn’t seem alien to him, but he neither was confident in applying for a position. But now that we needed more employees cause the company is constantly ramping up, opportunities are abound; even for undergrads.

With the good news, I asked him how he was doing with his studies. He’s on his last year of college, f*ck. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him, it’s me and where I am is what constantly bugs me. He asked me why I stopped school. The occasional response has always been “unpaid accounts”. Ever since, we’re always like this, I’m always in this shithole.

But right now, I’m sometimes torn by the idea of having to finish my studies, enjoying what I can while I’m still alive, and balancing my finances in helping my family with our daily expenses. It seems as if I’m at a crossroad; without really understanding which path I’m going to lead. People have different opinions and I’m influenced by them that I tend to sway from one direction to another without taking a firm stance and living up to it.

I should know what I want, but what do I want?

I want to keep up the pace and be at par with everyone. I want to do everything even if I know I can’t have it all. Next question is where do I start? Sheesh. It seems like every obstacle has its own sub-plot. But I guess that’s how life is… predictably inconsistent.