Edcel.net – mind games

I’m upset; so fucking upset with the whole situation. I shouldn’t even be experiencing this.

It’s mad to live in the same room with your partner when you know nothing good is going to come out of it. It’s exhausting to talk about the past and what had happened on what has come to be when everybody is moving on. Come on, it’s not about you anymore. You had your chance but you should make way for others to experience life as it is. I’m not telling you to stop living, just let other people have their time.

Mind games, it’s a skill I don’t ever want to be involved in. You make puppets out of living persons but then you realize that you’re all alone and you have nobody to turn to. It may all be too amusing at the beginning but when you contemplate and think about the consequences, you are left to analyze by yourself.

The basic foundation, it’s nothing but a series of constant adjustments and useless masochistic actions. Sure, no one can live alone. But it’s better not to live if misery is all you’re expecting.

It’s one of the reasons why I don’t even want to start one. I know complications will arise and I have a strong feeling that smoke will arise and the fire will spread. You won’t even feel the heat slowly burning you inside as it will come off as an explosion ready to eat up anything in its path.

Take a fucking bath for crying out loud. There is no truth to forever. How was I to believe that in all those years, everything could be repaired? But I curse myself more that I’m resigned to the fact that it can never be undone.

Why bother talking when there’s no reconciliation? Why bother? Sigh, it’s easy to talk about other people and their dirty laundry. It’s hard when it’s your own.

It’s been awhile since I last visited my family at home. After the whole prodigal son scenario, I kept on dropping by on a casual basis. Seldom do I get to taste my mother’s cooking which is what I miss as well. I’m glad that somehow, I had dinner amidst a candle-lit atmosphere because of having no electricity left. Even if there’s a bit of an agenda with the meal, I still wanted to spend time with them. We can talk like adults despite the insults thrown at each other.

I’m going to borrow some money again. My loan was approved and I’m now waiting for the papers to fill out and sign, sign, sign. I’ll be giving most of the amount to them to bring back whatever was stopped. I’m actually all too numb already to feel anything that I guess this is the purpose as to why I’m living.

So the food was good; my mom even told me to bring some when I get back to the boarding house. I passed the chance since I didn’t know where I’d put it that it will just get spoiled once the morning comes. I should have more dinners at home or I should go back; but I know better and unless by some miraculous instance I’d win the lottery, I’ll be staying away for quite some time still.

I’m trying to catch up for lost time in bonding with my brother. I haven’t been really a role model as I can only remember the negative things that I’ve done which is really something I’m not proud of doing. I should be helping out more often and share my blessings. I want to really make a change now that my mind is clearer and I can concentrate more on what I can do rather than what has been done. I’m praying that I can bring back the bond and be a better brother not just for show.

I’m glad cause right now, I can talk to my brother without much problem anymore. Unlike before that we don’t talk at all because it had always been a competition for both of us. But now, we’ve come to realize the importance of family and looking out for each other. It’s funny how it is because some people also notice the difference that we’re already in speaking terms. I guess we’ve grown up in a way that we don’t have that queasy feeling anymore of having to discuss topics that are normally talked about.

Was working on some assignments for some requirements in school. Psychology and History aren’t really my favorite subjects but somehow it made me sad in a way what happened to us.

Psyc1 – had to answer some assignments that required me to recall things in the past that had happened that would relate with me being able to experience a certain state (depending on the topic of the subject). So I had to look back on what happened in the past and I pictured a scenario of us siblings taking white hair out of my uncles and aunts’ head. We were rewarded with some money to play games afterward.

Hist15 – was made to create a Family History project about how I came to existence, tracing my roots up to three generations ahead of me. I don’t even know much about my family and I didn’t/don’t want to dig deeper. But I was able to scan through some old photos of us when we were little. I never thought we were fond of taking pictures of ourselves as brothers.

These projects had to bring back memories of a happy childhood. It showed the importance of having a basic unit of society you can always be proud of having which is contradictory to my present circumstance.

I miss my brothers, I wish I could just turn it all around and be a good example of a responsible sibling. But then that’s what time does, it makes you sucker up to what’s left of what can be done. As the cliche goes, it’s never too late.  We still have time to change and make things better… blahblahblah.

There are just some things that you can’t do much anymore because of situation; it’s not accepted socially which is regarded as taboo to some even. Sometimes a tap or a hug or just a pat on the back. I wasn’t able to practice it, probably I never will. It’s not about the longing, it’s more on the gesture. Once we were young, what happened between then and now?

After around 4 months (I think) of no electricity, they now have something to get busy about. Because of the money that they borrowed, they’re starting over. Weird how I say “they’re” when I’m still part of the family. Does that mean that I abandoned them in some sort? Not entirely, but I can’t also say that I’ve stuck and stayed with them all throughout the process of pressure and sacrifice. Because I abandoned ship right at the peak of it all.

At least something has been done already. I hope that everything goes well. Pop actually told me to go back home. Problem is I don’t want to unless everything’s settled. I still long to be with them but I want it in a way that I have my own space so that it would lessen the tension at times when volcanoes would erupt and heads would be filled with molten lava –> poor metaphor, Ed.

For now, it’s just a matter of working hard and making no mistake at all. I remember that it was this time last year, we were able to buy a computer, I was able to buy my camera. Everything seemed okay for the next couple of months; but for the rest of the year, all had crashed.

I just got a laptop and next week I’ll be buying a DSLR camera. Will history repeat itself? NO, it shouldn’t. There shouldn’t be a blackout anymore.

Never.

I went home one afternoon after I visited the dentist feeling sleepy since I was up all night and day because of last week being hell-ish. I talked to my mom and about some important papers I need to submit in order to have their health insurance updated since I still can’t find her birth certificate. When I asked her why she can’t give the documents to me, she said that it’s because my grandmother isn’t really her real mother. She was adopted when she was little and that grandma was the one who raised her as if she were her own…

That’s a shocker.

When she was narrating the story to me, it I was eating lunch so I had to digest the food and her words carefully. I felt uneasy at times since I never really knew this until now. I asked her why she just said this to me now, her reply was the obvious, “Because you only asked now.”

I know for one that my uncle isn’t really their biological brother, but I didn’t know that my aunt isn’t also one. Not that I was made to believe in something, it’s just that I really didn’t question anything. I don’t think this will give a really great impact in my life; it’s just that it sometimes makes me wonder where I really belong. But with all the work I’m doing, it’s the least of my worries.