Edcel.net - mind games

I was browsing through the internet one morning and I was updating all my blogs. When I checked my phone, I got 10 missed calls from my brother. I was a bit worried that something must’ve happened. When I checked his message, he told me that my grandmother and cousins (mother side) were here and that they wanted to see us.

I told them I had classes and that I didn’t want to meet them. With whatever so-sorry-for-an-excuse statement, I tried to escape the reality of facing them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t owe anything to them but when it comes to family members, I’ve already secluded myself from them and that I’ve established a principle within myself that I don’t need them.

What happened to me? Why did I consume myself in loneliness and depression? I may be happy but that’s just a face. One can never really tell what’s going inside until some sort of gathering or occasion (such as this one) arrives.

My mom called me up saying that we just needed to synchronize our time in order to see them; my classes will start at 2pm, they wanted to eat lunch. We’ll see what will happen.

When I’m all by myself, I think about ways on how I won’t be alone.
I always want to get out of the rut I’m in, but I wonder if I’m just being tested by a Higher Being.

You’re the one who told me that you were coming over; that was our first communication in a long time after I said my piece. When I finally mustered the courage to see you, you just brushed me off as if I’m just any other stranger. Sure, you attended; but it was as if you had nothing left to do and you were forced. Well I maybe forced you to seeing me, but I never really knew how cold it was already; how thick the wall was.

I understand that I’m not important anymore in your life but you could have at least given me a little respect. I may have the tendency to become obsessive or psychotic even, but don’t forget that I also have a heart. I still can’t get over the fact that we’re not talking anymore. You finally made me the loser. Now I’m just reduced to listening to sappy songs about heartbreak and being alone. I hate myself you know, cause I still feel something for you when you told me I should already get a shrink.

Why did I even bother asking for the truth when the lie would suffice?

Somebody told me that the only consolation I get for revealing my feelings is at least I know where I stand in your life. The funny thing is I don’t know where I reside in your heart. Obviously because I’m left out of place.

So cry me a river, or just a bucket of tears. Hold me in contempt, screw me. So I’m bitter, pathetic even. You broke my heart, so I’m wallowing; after how many years, I still am. I never wanted to be alone, but it seems I’ll always be.