Edcel.net - mind games

Had another rift with my pop. After I got home, we were talking about principles and situations again. Cause and effect, consequences of actions –> boring but serious stuff. Of course, we couldn’t disagree more.

Now I feel bad again. Times like this I just want to screw my head somewhere else. These inevitable topics that I try my best to avoid, they’d just crawl one day at you and you’d never even expect it’d hit you until it does.

I’ve never been this confrontational but this is for my own good. I have to be stiff in more ways than one. That way, I won’t get abused.

It’s been awhile since I last went out to just hang out. I don’t usually go and listen to bands and drink booze but this was an exception. I went out with my cousins whom we haven’t seen in 10 years already. We used to go to the beach during Sundays with my grandmother and it was a constant affair. Somehow, because of time and difference, all has changed. But now that we’ve seen each other again, we needed to bond. We went to The Outpost somewhere in Lahug. A band was playing which I didn’t recognize; first time to be there. My brother was the one who brought us there.

It makes me realize how important having your relatives to grow up with is. Rather than being able to deal with life’s issues with your immediate family alone, it does help that you have people your age to talk to. But then, this is just one of those single-night affairs; and we’re back to reality the next day as they already left.

what was I even thinking initially?

I was planning to go to my pop’s house but they texted me saying that they’re going to SM because that’s the meeting place. I called up my brother who has just finished his classes for the day and we met up in Ayala so we could go there to SM together.

It was a bit awkward at the beginning; anticipating how they would react; how we would react. But when I saw my cousin, I knew everything would be okay. It’s been terribly a while since we last saw each other. Boy was she tall, taller than me. hehe. Anyway, we went to the food court and saw my grandma; we blessed of course. Soon, my other cousin (who’s also tall at 6′2″–dang) also came with his girlfriend.

We talked, stuff, not really catching up but just about what happened and what they’re doing now. At least we have something to tell them, that we’re studying and we’re working. All the while in the conversation, it dawned on me how long we haven’t seen each other. 10 years? Now we’re supposed to be all grown up. Aside from the obvious height increase, I figured that catching up on your relatives isn’t such a bad idea. But sometimes, I still beg to differ.

I was browsing through the internet one morning and I was updating all my blogs. When I checked my phone, I got 10 missed calls from my brother. I was a bit worried that something must’ve happened. When I checked his message, he told me that my grandmother and cousins (mother side) were here and that they wanted to see us.

I told them I had classes and that I didn’t want to meet them. With whatever so-sorry-for-an-excuse statement, I tried to escape the reality of facing them. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t owe anything to them but when it comes to family members, I’ve already secluded myself from them and that I’ve established a principle within myself that I don’t need them.

What happened to me? Why did I consume myself in loneliness and depression? I may be happy but that’s just a face. One can never really tell what’s going inside until some sort of gathering or occasion (such as this one) arrives.

My mom called me up saying that we just needed to synchronize our time in order to see them; my classes will start at 2pm, they wanted to eat lunch. We’ll see what will happen.

Got my computer back after my pop pawned it. Long story.

The good thing is that I got it back! Dang. How many month’s worth of blogging money. At least it was not that hard because I didn’t really cough blood on it. What I didn’t like was the decision he made. He borrowed money in place of my property without my consent or even knowledge.

No matter how hard I deny, I understand why he did that but still,that was just very foul.

Feeling groggy today, just got my computer back after spending how many thousand bucks worth of blogging money and then some.

At least I got it back. I feel bad in some way; but sometimes pride has to get in the way.

@#^@(!*$^@*#)!_#^!()@!&*@

So upset and effed up. Can’t put into words what I’m feeling already.

*&%@#(*#$&*!_$&@(#)@#_(#$