Edcel.net – mind games

Can I still keep up? I sit here with decisions passing through back and forth. I contemplate, decide; yet I change my mind. It’s always been the issue. It’s not about making the right decision, it’s how I should stand by it. Sad to say, I still don’t have the guts to fight. How precious are moments that memories are all we could ever hold on to when we’ve got nothing left to believe on? We base it on the past that molded us into what we are now. I’ve actually been pretty lucky with all the effed up situations I’ve gone through which made me stronger than most people of my generation. But still, there are those instances I’ve also missed which is also understandable with the amount of pressure and pain that acted as consequences for wanting to be treated equally. So I wonder how long this will last, when will pride melt and what happens next. Who dares wins.

I was the one who named her that. j.Lo, she passed away.

When I visited the house one fine pay day morning, my mother told me that our dog died. She passed away 5 days ago due to problems with her liver. Now she left her 3 old pups for us to take care of. We’re trying to use milk drops to feed them.

I feel sad. j.Lo has been with us for 6 years already and she’s been with us in trying times too. Fresh from Cebu, we were able to take her in because an old man gave her to my father as she might be eaten by drunkards nearby. We took her in and she had withstood time because of all the dogs, she was the one who survived.

I’ve wanted to free her from her leash one day once I could get my own lot so she can just do whatever she wants and run freely. Unfortunately, that day may never come.

What is a man here to do but get lost? Help him find someone, help him find himself.

It’s great for those who see their purpose.
There are no excuses but only reasons.

So sad are those who question. They’re as countless as the stars in the sand.

Only people are lonely. Bridges or walls, which has more?
People walk the streets thinking too much.
Happy are those who don’t have to.
Good are those whose lives are laid out for them.

But then, it’s how we see the milk in the glass. Throw away the negativity, give me my destiny.

Why am I so upset at the basic foundation that’s supposed to be my strength to keep me standing still? I know it’s wrong of me to think of ill thoughts towards these people. What’s sadder is that I have more faith in other people which leads to me being more ashamed of myself for not practicing what I preach. Everything should start within myself and then the basic unit of society. I don’t intend to be unyielding but that’s usually the initial reaction when situations start to get weary and we’re going back to the same old routine which is unacceptable. Why can’t people change? Am I just lucky or did I get special treatment when I was being born? Sometimes I can’t help but think of myself being an ingrate who isolated himself in order to find selfish joys. I thought I was free but I’m not.

I know these pillars are broken, I wish I knew how to fix them. Only my pride gets in the way which is definitely one deadly root. I easily get dismayed for all the excuses and false promises that fly around whenever questions are being raised and when we’re trying to find the cause. I get exhausted but I should never give up on them because they’re the ones that are supposed to be my priority. Giving back what I can to the people who made me who I am is really what I’m aiming for; though it doesn’t really show as much. It’s really such a sad predicament to be in. Now I’m hanging on to whatever hope that’s left, and it’s killing me softly.

When you just can’t resist. You look the other way.
You try to ignore it but it catches you in your least unguarded moments.
How does it seem that everything is just captured in a fantasy?
You wake up and feel empty because it was all it ever will.
Get a good slap in the face so that you’ll realize,
and you won’t have to bother about thinking wishfully.
How can it be that you avoid it and yet it comes back to you?
You think away but it all the more makes you wonder.
Impossible as it seems, there will always be a hope that keeps your faith.
For things that may never be experienced,
is still longing at the back of the head.
Is it destiny or do I still have to hold?

You wonder at times where the sentiment of longing comes from. Those times that you can’t help but stare and you can’t do anything else to let the time pass. You detract yourself from whatever it is that’s keeping you busy: a book, your ipod, or staring at pictures from your phone. You keep thoughts away but they always haunt you. How ironic it is that when you avoid these fleeting emotions they always get back to you in more ways than you’d ever imagine.

So who do you count on to set these mind games aside? The blue sky that reminds you how you’re ruining the day or the deep water that beckons you to drown in gloom? Certainly not the sun that keeps on hiding every now and then, not even the air that’s faintly there.

Where does one turn to then, when you are not permitted to move? Staring blankly doesn’t really help much.

I’m trying to lose grip but resistance is strong.
There are no ropes to pull and definitely no strings attached.
So why is it hard to let go when there’s nothing to hold on to?
Mind games are hard to follow.