Edcel.net - a personal weblog

I can’t believe I’m in drama mode today. I read some previous emails that I’ve received and also sent (I usually keep emails that I’ve sent to people –> yes, I’m that weird, go figure) and recalled the times that happened almost 5 years ago.

Yahoomail, Blog-city, Yahoo 360, Friendster, Blogspot, Yahoo Messenger, Gmail, Photobucket, Multiply, Wordpress, Youtube… just some websites (mail/blog/social networking/etc.) that helped shape my internet savviness (haha, savinness, what a word’; even if there’s no such).

I kept some, deleted some, and some just wilted away.

Going back, often times I ask myself why I don’t delete those mails. I can’t give a decent answer, is this is a sign of me not being able to move on? Not really. I don’t faithfully reread these emails anymore unlike before. Maybe I just like the fact that I have a history to recall on at times when I’d like to reminisce such as today. It’s more of a happy phase for me now; it makes me smile knowing what I was to the eyes of some people. Those old letters are gentle reminders for me not to go over my head and keep my toes intact.

They make me realize that I once had a past.

I’m moving out. I paid a partial rent already so things are really taking effect. Somehow, I feel bad; that I’m abandoning ship and leaving my family behind.

I’m leaving the place , maybe just for awhile and like I said before, I’m scared shitless. The inevitable will always be there, but I’m growing old and I can’t revert to the same ways that have always prevailed in my almost 22 years of existence. I need and I want to step up. It will be hard I know, I will stumble countless times. I just need the space for myself alone.

Does that make me a bad son? Because of the situation that I’m creating, it feels like I’m the one creating a broken family. But I haven’t always been a good child, I do become selfish a lot of times. But because I’m staying away from the problem, it’s like I’m escaping my responsibility. However, I also need to grow; how can I live up to my own principles if I don’t practice them?

The mentality that I’ve always had is to help my family, pay my respects, do my obligations, be the obedient child. But now, I’m just all too tired and full of pride which makes me question the path I’m taking. Do I want to be like this? Of course not; however, I need to keep my own beliefs intact; even if it means going away.

The feeling just sucks, with all the things that we’ve been through, with all the hardships we’ve survived, I’m now turning into a prodigal son.

Coincidentally, I read a story from a forwarded message stuck in my Inbox. The email talked about a son who grew up who sent his parents to a trip. Since it was his parents’ first time to ride a plane, they couldn’t conceal their excitement when they were already at the airport. Anyway, here’s a passage…

A simple man tells how his booking  an air ticket for his  father, his
first  flight, brought  emotions and made him realize that how much we
all take for granted when it comes to our parents.

As  they were about to go in for the security check-in, he walked up to
me with tears in his eyes and thanked me. He became very  emotional and
it was not as if I had done something great but the fact that this meant
a great deal to him.

My parents left for our native place on Thursday and we  went to the airport to see them off. In fact, my father had never traveled by air before, so I just took this opportunity to make him experience the same. In spite of being asked to  book tickets by train, I got them tickets on
lufthansa.

The moment I handed over  the tickets to him, he was  surprised to see that I had booked them by air. The excitement was very apparent on his face, waiting  for the time of travel. Just like a school  boy, he was preparing himself on that day and we all went  to the airport, right from using the trolley for his luggage, the baggage  check-in and asking for window seat and waiting restlessly for the  security check-in to happen. He was thoroughly enjoying  himself and I, too, was overcome with joy watching him experience all these  things.

The story isn’t that hard to understand, it’s just about giving back the selflessness that you received from the people who raised you properly.

I’ve always wanted to bring something to the house. I’ve always wanted a picture of a happy family (our family) gathering in one table with our wives and children in tow. But somehow, poverty clouded that memory. It seems like that type of scene would only come true if money would be no question. And in our case, it’s always been an issue. Sure, we were one when we had no money. But the problem is we’re growing up.

Even if how many instances my parents would say that money is not the problem, it’s the one that’s been hindering us from achieving a lot of things. Or maybe that’s just my personal opinion. I don’t know how many times my father did the impossible; like sending us to private schools even if he didn’t have a single cent in his pocket. But then, I can never be like him. I’ve always wanted to but I just couldn’t; and I still can’t. He’s not pressuring me since I’m the one doing it for myself; setting a standard that I can never reach which makes me all the more frustrated when I’m unable to succeed.

And now that I’m transferring to another place which is actually illogical, I have to keep my head up. I have my own journeys to take; definitely I don’t want to be alone. But sometimes I just have to stay strong, even if it means losing my senses.

borrowed a dvd copy from a colleague at work on the movie called “Just Friends”.

This movie was shown years ago, but it’s only now that I was able to watch it again. The last time I’ve seen this was still in the beginning of the YouTube era when I had to open a number of Windows just to buffer the videos to play them continuously. The only problem with this now is that the disc is busted in some parts that I never was able to finish it because it’d get stuck in the middle.

Still, I like this movie cause two of the actors that play are some of my favorites comedians; Anna Faris and Ryan Reynolds really make me laugh at times.

The movie deals with the frustrations of not being able to tell how you feel about the person you love who just happens to be your best friend.

Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds) was once an overweight high school geek who’s in love with her best friend, Jamie (Amy Smart) who wanted them to be just friends. 10 years later, all successful and good-looking, he stops by his old town due to some unforeseen events looking after an up-and-coming pop star but a prima donna at heart, Samantha James  (Anna Faris). Chris is able to go back to his past and after a series of unexpected problems, professes back his love for Jamie…

I can relate a lot; maybe because of the process of being turned down by your best friend. Ouch. Just because the other never thought that a platonic bond could still be there after revealing his true feelings. It’s a rare occurence that after talking, the other would feel the same.

I don’t want to be the best friend, I want us to be more.

It makes you realize that in order to move the relationship to move a step farther, you need to get out of the “friend zone”. You should keep a bit of a distance in order to keep her wanting for more. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily apply in all situations; but it does prove a point. As for me, I’m not a friend even anymore so does that give me any chance at all?

We weren’t entirely best friends that we get to be so comfortable sharing rooms but we were close. I wasn’t at all a Loser in class, heck I wasn’t a LOSER; but we connected. And I know I’m getting personal but I hope that if ever our paths will cross again… nah. I’ll just cut this short.

@#(*^$(*@)*&%#%($

Why do I still dream about you when I’m supposed to get you off my mind? And it had to be our hands clasping that fit so right. Who’s trying to tell me something? What is He up there trying to say?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, do I want to erase the memories?
Maybe I do. That way, I can move on.

But who knows?

I still can’t get you off my mind,
I just can’t;
and it pains me.
I keep on trying,
even if it hurts.
Let me forget you,
who you are,
what we could’ve been.

During recollection days in my Senior year of high school, we were told to read a passage about Scarred people being beautiful people.

Here’s a copy I got off somewhere after I Googled it.

MAN SPEAKS:
I’ve seen a number of movies lately, Lord,
like Romeo and Juliet.
The love of young people, at least in those movies
is beautiful……so simple… so total….so complicated.
They seem so natural, so free in their emotions,
so clear in their feelings.
I wish I could be like that, Lord, but it can’t be.
Why is it so?

I’ve been hurt, Lord.
I’ve trusted and been betrayed at times.
I’ve loved and received nothing in return.
I have tried hard to care and failed often.
I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others.
I have been warm and receive a cold shoulder.

I have been through it, Lord.
I’ve fallen on my face.
I’ve banged my shins.
I’ve been bruised.
Look, Lord, I’m all covered with scars!

THE LORD SPEAKS:
Maybe you haven’t understood enough; Maybe you haven’t learned
that human life is like that: All Saints are scarred.
Young love isn’t the highest form of human love. The greatest love
comes from scarred people.
I know that many people stop loving so that they won’t hurt again.
But those who do start over again, who continue in spite of
all, who leave themselves open to the possibility of being
hurt again – These people are able to love again
in a deeper way, a more understanding way, a richer way.

MAN’S RESPONSE:
I think I know what you mean, Lord, I’ve met people like that…
and knowing them gives me courage.
The great people are those who continue to love with their scars…
I like scarred people, Lord – They are beautiful..

It dealt with the story of a man who just got broken hearted because the love of his life didn’t accept him. He asked God for any explanation and the Supreme Being said that the man shouldn’t get mad that he was rejected. Because scarred people are beautiful people.

I never really understood the topic of that story… I still know a little.
I never knew how it felt like to be scarred… until now.

It hurts to know that the love of your life doesn’t love you back. How many years does it take for you to recover? More than 5? or forever? God, it hurts to be scarred.