Edcel.net - mind games

So that’s it. I’m in the office cause I’m going to sleep. Ha, I can’t sleep properly at the house because of the tension in between talking and waking up without doing anything. I can’t call our house a home anymore and anytime soon, we’ll be gone to some la-la land pretending to know what we’re doing with our lives. But it’s sickening, knowing that the one that’s supposed to keep you alive, your life support, hasn’t been of much help. So I lay here and ponder what I’d have to do in order to take that step, that one leap of faith to get out of this mess. But I’m scared; I’m scared shitless of the uncertainty of events that cannot be avoided. Still, I’m not comfortable anymore. Do I seem bad? Am I an evil person for being selfish? I don’t even want to have conversations because of the beliefs that are shattered because of tainted reputation.

I hate the point that I have to make so that people realize my worth. The past few days months years haven’t been very constructive, though that’s no the notion I’m portraying to other people. I’m glad though that things haven’t gotten worse, or is that what I’d like to think? Anyway, to hell with people, to hell with beliefs, to hell with principles and in turn, to hell with me. I’m not looking for trouble, it always finds me.

The house is a ticking time bomb. Any minute it will explode due to the number of loans that we have and are out to reach us.

If only we could get some Debt relief. Sometimes wishing to win the lottery is too pathetic since you do have some proper education and you could’ve utilized it to think of something better to do in order to achieve financial success. But then again, due to the scope of the problem that it’s hard to handle, and the limited time table to iron things out; it’s very difficult to think straight. When the money you receive every half of the month doesn’t compensate for the money you owe, it seems like a total loss. But I can just think of ways in order for us to get some Debt help. I want to transfer to a different house but according to a colleague at work, I’ll just be running away from the problem, but not totally fixing it.

But all of this Debt consolidation seems to be too much for my 21 year old mind to comprehend. But I have to act maturely. It’s just that I feel like I’m carrying the weight on my shoulder’s; and the heaviness came from somebody else’s mistakes. Still, I’m still part of this family, I just wanted to start things on a blank page but it seems that this is not the case. Oh well, time will tell.

With all the things that have been said and done,
there are a lot more things that have been said than done.
That’s why I’m taking charge and there’s no looking back.

I need my diversion, something to keep me busy.
So I may not have to think about life, so I may not have to think at all.

We’ve said our piece, and we’re just waiting for time. We may look like prodigal sons that won’t ever turn back but we’ll see. This will be another chapter in our lives but it’s too soon to say when things don’t add up properly yet. It’s only a matter of time… and money; which we neither have.

I feel groggy –> I don’t even know how to explain it. I woke up with more than the usual number of hours of sleep which is a good thing. Yet, I feel tired.

This is better though compared to the previous days. I just can’t believe that I came to work at the exact time of my shift. Another day, same shit.

I don’t like the fact that my thoughts are being exposed because if they are, then I’d be more inclined to keeping all the emotions in. I’d become more conscious of what I’m planning to write. Of course, this is inevitable; especially since this site runs on a public domain. I just didn’t expect this to be sooner. I want this site to still remain anonymous despite the different contrary actions being done. I’m making money out of it, but more importantly, I have the venue to express my thoughts that I don’t normally do in other public blogs. I’ve got nothing to hidem, not even golf gloves, I just don’t like it when people misconstrue the information that I put in. I’m already self-conscious, much more with people finding this blog out.