Edcel.net - a personal weblog

I feel so clumsy at times, no, a lot of times. I don’t know how many instances have passed where I should’ve kept my mouth shut but didn’t because the urge to say something (even if it’s not that useful) is too strong for me to even think twice. How many times has my big mouth got me into trouble? It’s sickening in a sense because I’m supposed to be this all-mature person who should’ve gotten a significant other a long time but is still finding all sorts of excuses for not pursuing it.

Ignorance is bliss, what you don’t know can’t hurt you.

I can’t believe you. Why’d you even have to bother saying that loud? Why did I even have to know about it now? I thought I could trust you, but I don’t believe in trust more than you anymore.

How could you say such when all I thought was you being my friend. I don’t want to go on a littany of explanations because I thought you already knew what you’re going to get from me. I’ve said my piece, don’t make me talk about it even more. I don’t even have to repeat it anyway.

I just can’t believe you still. I feel so pathetic, I feel like a loser, if I’m not already one. F u biatch.

Are you just a mere fantasy that serves as an excuse for me to keep my sanity? As it seems I’m chasing away a f*cked up dream that I’m not even sure anymore what I would be getting in return.

I don’t understand why I expect something when I don’t have anything to give.

I’m running out of reasons to stay alive, despite not achieving the peak of existence.

Our worlds are getting smaller, yet I choose to keep distance.
I can’t sleep anymore.

Everyday, as the world turns and time doesn’t stop, I fear of being stuck in a place I’ve always dreaded. I’m always running, I want to settle down cause I’ve had enough of this crap that I’m in.

Cannonball
Damien Rice

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what’s going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
Still a little bit of your face i haven’t kissed
You step a little closer each day
That i can’t say what’s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that i can’t see what’s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon-

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
’cause it’s not hard to fall
And i don’t want to scare her
It’s not hard to fall
And i don’t wanna lose
It’s not hard to grow

When you know that you just don’t know

–I heard this song 3 years ago, still it gives that gloomy effect of making me feel lonely after finishing it. But I can’t seem to stop liking it. sheesh

I haven’t had enough sleep. This is because of blogging, it’s weird; when I’m supposed to at least rest during my day off, I tend to just sit and stare at the computer. It’s not like I don’t sit and type at work, heck I don’t even know how many hours I spend online just to update. It’s really insane that it’s unhealthy anymore.

When I see people already applying for a membership at some gyms available. I also want to apply and work out on a regular basis, but I’m too lazy to do it. hehe. Not that I’m fat, but I’m also not well-built. Also I want to have that certain drive in maintaining an active lifestyle to keep those endorphins going.

Actually, I like my weight now, knowing that it came to a point that I became skinny when I started working. But now, they say I grew big; in a good way. It must be because I’m bald for summer.

When I checked some pictures of myself years ago, I noticed some definite change, Of course, everybody changes; I just didn’t expect that it’d be too soon. When time flies, you won’t ever realize that you’ve grown. But knowing that there are a number of responsibilities, not to mention bills that you’d encounter along the way, you would notice that things are different.

Anyway, I’m getting off-topic. I’m supposed to talk about how I look. For once, I think I like the way I look. I haven’t changed this much since 3rd year of high school where I had my hair shaped to a crew cut. I looked so preppy, haha. Now, since I’m bald, it’s supposed to signal the start of maturity; but I still feel like a kid.

With this industry, I can’t help but feel a bit more and more conscious of how I look. Maybe it’s to help sell myself in the process for future prospects. hehe.

As for my body, I’m still short; I blame those months of carrying truckloads of banana crates which prevented me from growing. That, plus depression. I still wish I can grow up to 5′9″. God, just give me two more inches. sheesh.

To conclude this, I’m still stuck in limbo, hoping I can get something out of pampering myself aside from the act of pampering itself.

I’m glad that somehow, I’m able to find people I can look up to in the working environment. These people are the ones I can talk about anything. They know me already that I wouldn’t get angry or conscious with different side-comments that they’d throw at me whenever they think I’m too uptight and constricted, narrow-minded even. I’m already comfortable with them that it seems never a bother if I stay up a few hours more after my shift just to have the occasional chitchats. I cherish these moments for I know it’ll be a lot sooner that I won’t ever have the same opportunity of talking to them again as we’ll be transferring to a different floor.

After 5 days of keeping my atm card, it’s gone to the lending company again. I know I shouldn’t complain since it takes a huge deal of diminishing ego just to ask money from your son. It’s just the monotony of the situation that I’m a bit upset about.

They’re going to use the money for the house again. As usual, I’ll be broke for the next 6 months or so. That’s why I take respite in whatever “outing” I can participate in which all the more makes me confused on which priority should come first.

I want to help out in the house without having them to solicit some objectives. I want to share something on my own. But it seems that time is too fast that I get overtaken by it. I know someday, everything will be alright. I just wish I can still reach that someday.